Not Today.

Today I am fighting for my heart. 

Today I am fighting by surrendering. 

Today I am surrendering to grace.

  It’s a grace I don’t deserve and could never earn, but it’s mine anyway. God gave it to me and I did nothing to earn it. In fact I have done more to lose it than to deserve it. 

  This world is filled with obstacles designed to trip us. Today was one of those days for me. And it is no one’s fault but my own that I am vulnerable in that way, but here I am flawed, broken and susceptible to falling and God never tires of picking me back up, handing me my sword and saying, “I’ve got your back. Keep going. I’m not done with you. There is more work to be done.”

  So here I am, God. All 5’4” of me, shaking and scared and I am asking you to help me keep going forward. I’ve been humbled by falling so many times and I’m so bruised up that I don’t know how anyone could love me anymore, especially not you, God. 

  I feel like most of the time, he’s probably thinking, “Are you serious, kid?! You’re down again? 

  But He doesn’t. He sends his angels to pick me up under my arm pits and says, “You’ve got this.” It reminds me of when the kids were learning to walk. They looked like they’d knocked back a few too many bottles and could trip on a piece of lint if it was sticking up too high. And always head first! Why is that? Is it because their heads are the heaviest part of their bodies? It was unnerving following them around! Now imagine poor God, chasing after a seven billion drunken toddlers careening through life head-first…

Hey God, can you childproof the world for us? We need a little help down here. We’re tripping on everything. The devil just likes throwing things right in our path and, sorry but we are kind of klutzy. At least cover those sharp corners for us, will you?

  So anyway…I was starting to hit a comfortable stride in life again. I was feeling pretty solid because I am working again, doing something that I love, helping people gain strength in their bodies and confidence in their abilities. I have been going to a spiritual ministry on Monday nights for three hours and have been feeling so alive with divine purpose and identity. I felt like my efforts were gaining some traction. But that old devil showed up with his stick and threw it out when I wasn’t looking. 

 Something unexpected triggered it, and really no one’s fault but my own. I spiraled from there to self-hatred and then hopelessness and despair. Sometimes I can pull myself out of it, but this time I was not able to by myself.

  I was praying hard after that. “God please take this from me. Please help me. I need you to pick me up again.” I shouldn’t have been surprised when God gave me three angels today. They know who they are…I am so grateful for your souls. I am grateful for God sending you to pick me up in my hour of need. Thank you for your compassion and love. 

  But my point of this story is, we are never without God’s love. We are going to fall. It’s an occupational hazard of life on earth. You don’t get out without skinned knees or head injuries. But you don’t have to stay down when you fall. We have to GET UP! Keep fighting. Let those angels do their jobs!

  So I am praying for you, whoever is reading this because I was blessed enough to be prayed over today. I pray that you know in your heart how loved you are. I pray that you feel your divine worth. I pray that you pick up your sword again and keep fighting. That devil has an endless bag of tricks to trip us, but don’t you let him. God has more. He has all his angels and seven billion of us down here to help each other. That is our job. Help each other to get back up. Give compassion. Offer grace. Show love. And we can all tell that bully together, “Not today, Satan.”


6 thoughts on “Not Today.

  1. Today you may have fallen down. Temporarily you felt defeat, unworthy, undeserving. When you have fallen in the past, I have witnessed the fight that brings you to your feet, a new strength discovered. Your faith elevated. You see yourself and others with enhanced clarity. THIS IS WHEN I HAVE SEEN YOU GO TO WORK! THIS IS WHEN A NEW FIRE RAGES INSIDE OF YOU! THIS IS WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR BEST AND WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS IN NEED THE MOST.
    Accept your next stumbles for what they are, trampolines.

  2. You are so worthy of God’s love.
    I am your prayer warrior and will fight for you always. You are my beautiful daughter and I’m so proud of you. ❤️Mom

  3. Hey sweetheart, I Love you More than you’ll ever know! And You Do “Have This”!

    Much Love,


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