Month: August 2019

Meditation. The word alone used to make me think of paint drying or watching golf on t.v. But, wow, how wrong I was. I recommend it because even ten minutes of deep focus in meditation can bring you hours of peace.

  I’m reeeeally new to it, but I’m already noticing the soothing stillness that can come from it when I am able to dive in. Like anything worth doing and becoming good at, it requires patience and practice. I can see why so many people use meditation as a way of centering themselves every day and cannot function properly without that time. 

  In the past, when I’d attempt meditating, I’d start to doze off. I would get so relaxed, I would want to lie down and nap. That’s too relaxed. But you also don’t want to be so consciously aware that you are buzzing from one thought to the next. That’s just thinking. Solid meditation happens when you’re in this state between active thinking and sliding into sleep. We Americans don’t exist in that mental plane very often. Our culture is very task-oriented. Thoughts, words and actions are a means to an end and there is no time to waste! Even our constitution tells us we should be in “pursuit of happiness.” But happiness is right here and right now. We just need to learn how to tap into it.

  It is very counterintuitive for us to allow ourselves to live in a few minutes of simply existing. That’s really all basic meditation aims to do. Your focus in the beginning is your breathing, that air flowing in and out of your body that keeps you alive. So I want to share with you a quick tutorial on what works for me getting into that state of calm.

  The best meditation I’ve done is in a comfortable seated position. I like cross-legged on the floor or ground outside. I sit up straight so I am rooted to the ground and imagine my spine is taking root in it like a plug in an electrical outlet. I am pulling energy from the earth around me, solid and constant. 

  Next I close my eyes and begin to deepen my breathing. Deep, purposeful breaths that flow completely in and out. I attach my thoughts to that air. I won’t think of anything else while I’m in this state. I focus on how grateful I am for my breath. Then I begin to send it to each area of my body.

I aim my breath at my base of my spine, thankful for my existence. 

Then I move up a little and aim my breath at my low belly, sending thoughts of gratitude for emotions and feelings.

Next, I send breath to my mid-belly and set intentions of thankfulness of purpose and wisdom I’ve learned and have yet to acquire.

From there, I push my breath toward my heart-center, gratitude for my ability to heal, show kindness, and to love.

These next few breaths are from my chest toward my throat, I even let these ones escape from my lips. I am expelling any negativity from my throat and inviting good energy in. I ask God to give me words to be used for good, to strengthen my voice to empower.

The next breaths are aimed at the space between my eyes, my intuition, my imagination. I am grateful for creativity and the ability to be alive and aware.

Last, I send breath to the top of my head, my brain and here I become grateful for understanding and enlightenment, for my ability to recognize divinity in my life, that God is present with me and I exist as a spiritual being. 

You might think this next thing sounds crazy, but sometimes I hum or chant  as I breathe. If I hold one steady note for each breath, it helps me to focus on the breathing and keeps me just awake enough to continue and not slide into too relaxed of a state. It drowns out the thoughts I have and I can focus better. It’s actually really cool because soon you don’t even hear your own voice. It’s just a disembodied sound from somewhere far away in your consciousness. You don’t even recognize it after a minute or two. My best meditations have actually included chants. And now is a great time to try it since the kids are heading back to school soon. They won’t be around to poke their head into your room and give you weird judgy looks. Or better yet, you could even try it with them!

  And it’s better than coffee in the morning! I promise, once you learn to lean into it, you will open your eyes afterward and feel refreshed and peaceful. You will head into your day with a positive mindset and it will take great effort to rattle you.

  So there you go, a crash course in meditation. It’s so powerful if you can make time for it for even ten minutes a day. I’d love to hear what you think if you are able to try it or if you’ve been doing it for a while, how it has helped you.

When I was in the depths of my depression a few months ago, I had thought of three ways I could end my life without my kids finding me. I reasoned that it would be better for them than being raised by a mentally broken mother. I had convinced myself that it would be less selfish to take my life than to subject my children to my flaws and potentially raise them to be the bad person I was. This was my rock bottom. This is a very heart-breaking but real look at mental illness. I know people who have lost loved ones because they took their own lives. I have seen the devastation that it brings. I know the darkness that that hole leaves behind. 

   If you saw me during that time, you probably observed me as being relatively healthy. I was more withdrawn, I didn’t talk to people when I was out and about. I made it a point to keep to myself. I went through the motions of survival only, caring for my kids’ physical needs but any emotional support they needed, was beyond me. When they’d bicker or refuse to eat what I made for dinner, I would run to my room and scream into a pillow. I’d battle a panic attack until Scott came home to pick up the pieces. I showered each day, although some people going through this stop doing that too. But I made sure people didn’t know how bad it was. I couldn’t handle much beyond that. When friends would call me, I’d tell them I was good but busy; “Just focusing on my family.” I pushed people away because I didn’t even think I deserved friends anymore. No one knew how bad it was and I didn’t want to dump my toxicity into their lives.

  I am opening up about this today because I want you to know you are not alone. Ever. No matter what you are going through, no matter how isolated you feel, you are loved (maybe not by everyone, but you need to get over that) and you’re needed in this world. It doesn’t matter how bad things get. If you are still drawing breath and have a heartbeat, there is purpose for you. God isn’t done with you. And if you’re not spiritual, this world isn’t done with you either. 

 I wasn’t especially spiritual at that time. I have gone through phases of my life when I really haven’t had much faith in God or his purpose for me. But it’s funny, He keeps finding His way back into my heart. 

  One morning, I remember it well… just before the kids’ Christmas break, I got them out the door for school, I was sobbing and yelling at God, “Why did you make me this weak person? Why did you give me so much brokenness? No one can handle this heaviness! Why give me these flaws when you know I’m not strong enough to handle them?”

  I heard this voice right next to me: “You’re right. No one can handle this alone. That’s why I am here with you. And I didn’t give you these flaws. I only gave you freedom of choice. You decide how far you want to run away from me. But I’m always here, waiting for you and I’ll lead you home.”

  I know it sounds crazy, I do. I would have read that a while back and thought, “Ok. This lady is off her rocker!” But it wasn’t where I was yet. This voice spoke to me. And I say “He” only because this is how we usually reference God. It wasn’t really a man’s voice. And when I say it was a “voice,” it was actually more of a crystal clear thought I’d never had before and likely wouldn’t have come to on my own, especially not at that time. But it stopped my crying instantly, like a toddler being told, “I have chocolate for you!” in the middle of a temper tantrum, and made me still for the first time in ages. I felt a sense of peace from nowhere come over me. 

  Now it didn’t stay. Probably within minutes, I was back to questioning everything, but I kept coming back to that message throughout the week…     

  And it was weird. I had a friend at that time who told me in a text, “It’s time to do the work.” And the message of “Do the work,” kept popping up everywhere I’d go; on signs, magazine ads, instagram posts, even graffiti. And let me tell you, it was work. I had to face some ugly demons within myself. I had to open up to a therapist, a total stranger, and I was filled with skepticism but I decided I was out of options. I had to “do the work.” What I had been doing before wasn’t working. I went back to church. Scott and I went to a new church and the message humbled us. I have no doubt that God led us there. 

  I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but I’m getting faster at tuning into the divine energy that I felt that morning, the one with the chocolate promise of hope and love. I want you to feel inspired to be open to that voice in your own life. Please, don’t give up. 

  When I tell you these stories, it’s not to seek attention. It’s to encourage you to keep working on yourself and not to settle for mere survival in your life. We are created for more than that. Our mission here is to touch the hearts of others in whatever way we can. I know God is using my brokenness to help heal others. I am so humbled by those of you who send me messages and tell me that you are going through something similar and thank you for giving it a voice.

  I am not here to tell you I am healed. I am healing. Maybe I will always be. I am turning my self-pity into compassion for others. Our experience in this world is shared by many. The stories all look a little different, but the emotions are the same. 

  Do your work. Don’t shy away from it just because it’s hard. Do it because a beautiful, vibrant existence is waiting for you on the other side of whatever hell you’re going through. 

 

Please don’t tell me there’s no magic. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and felt it in my bones. Surely it’s magic when you look at another human for the first time and feel at home in their eyes. You gasp for breath because it takes you with inexplicable force. And when you finally feel that first kiss, you know…an entire universe just opened in your heart.

Magic is in the creation of every life on earth. From nothing, from darkness, comes everything…Babies’ chubby fingers and toes. Kaleidoscopes of irises. A smile…A smile that will conquer hate and fear a thousand times during its existence. It will win love. It will start this miraculous cycle all over again. This is magic. So please don’t tell me magic isn’t real. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living.